I actually received some very insightful feedback from some folks that know me a little better than I know myself sometimes......we all have blindspots right? it's so easy to see other's problems, just not our own. Couple things were brought to my attention that I guess made me reconsider what I was doing and why. I realized that I have tendencies to be ALL or NOTHING!! So, if I think I'm doing something that probably is not the best thing, I do it like CRAZY cuz I know ..I gotta quit! This is a little peek into my mind. And please understand this is a piece of my mind that deals with addiction, there are other parts that are much more sane. : ) So one question that was given to me was, "why isn't enough, enough?" Why can't you be satisfied with enough? HHMmmmm, good question...the next thing that got brought to my attention was to "just have one cup". have my precious morning cup, do my thing I do in the morning, prayers, meditation..whatever...then get up go exercise and get on with it! So...that's what I tried. I knew I was quitting from my manic place of being scared something was harming my body but I love it...so I'm gonna drink all I can because I gotta quit! That didn't feel good anymore because I knew that really wasn't going to solve my internal dilemma. Whatever the "thing" is that keeps us going back to things that overall do not support us, whether it's coffee, cigarettes, relationships, jobs, etc...So, I've been exploring it. Looking at it for what it is. Addiction for one thing. Not just to coffee but we get addicted to our own stressors. Have you ever noticed people have the same types of drama over and over? Interesting. I've been letting myself have the coffee and exploring letting one cup be enough, which turned into one cup in the morning.....and one cup later...then screw it a bigger one cup....Ultimately I know deep down how it affects me and it is not in alignment with my goals and desires for my health and well being. Last year when my health had declined so greatly, I could not handle it at all, it hurt my entire body. I was only able to do things that supported my health to build me back up. Got to feeling really good and strong and went back. the negative effects are obviously not so great that I can't drink it now but if I keep doing small hindrances to myself over and over it will defeat the purpose of all the work I've done. sigh...
I also have been aware of the fact that Keith and I have made a decision to create a HUGE change in our lives. We are in the process of selling our house, exploring new places of employment to move to Colorado. The initial phase of this was inspiration and exuberance....then for me some fear came around the corner and I decided to take it and let it disillusion me. The coffee has been there to give me a "good feeling" so that I don't have to feel the fear. Often, or most times, addictions or distractions are just that, something to focus on so that we don't feel. Now that I have some awareness of what I've been up to, I can make a more informed decision.
"Fear is just excitement without your breath!"
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